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Death Valley

Just got back last night from Death Valley. It was pretty dern cold but I still had a good time. So many amazing things to see. I'm not a big desert fan, I like trees and green stuff, but Death Valley has some very cool things to check out. Very educational. The military uses this area for training exercises. It's a geological museum! Was a great way to start the new year... outside in nature. I love it. Plan to do more of it. :-D
I have photos on Facebook

Ebb

Ebb

I know what my heart is like

Since your love died:

It is like a hollow ledge

Holding a little pool

Left there by the tide,

A little tepid pool,

Drying inward from the edge.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Ashes Of Life

Ashes Of Life

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;

Eat I must, and sleep I will,—and would that night were

here!

But ah!—to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!

Would that it were day again!—with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don't know what to do;

This or that or what you will is all the same to me;

But all the things that I begin I leave before I'm through,—

There's little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me,—and the neighbors knock and

borrow,

And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse,—

And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow

There's this little street and this little house.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Sad

Just sad lately. Things make me cry more easily than normal. It's a general funk, although one thing is at the heart of it all - a little more of a tender spot - It's affecting everything else in a general way. I know there are many things up in the air in my life right now and all of that does nothing to help my unstable emotional situation. It's normal to go through depression slumps in life, I've been through plenty before and I'm sure this isn't my last. If I can try to see the bright side of it, at least I'm *alive*, I'm living life, experiencing it and all it's sensory roller coaster ups and downs. I'd rather have this than the dull, numbness of living a complacent existence in a false reality.

WTF...

What the Fuck is wrong with me.

For starters, this year has in fact been been royally shitty. Dissolution of an 8 year marriage, while ultimately it is the best thing for both of us I believe, it still smacks of heartache, disappointment and failure on many different levels. Stemming from that are some pretty F'ing huge changes. I've always been the kind of person who can't really hide her emotional state. I may not verbalize how I feel but if you're around me, you know. You KNOW. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I hide very little about myself, generally speaking. I realize I'm experiencing an ebb and flow of emotional states. At once I think I know what I want, then I'm not sure. I'm second guessing myself more and more lately, catching myself after doing things, experiencing remorse and then changing things again. Desiring to reach out to people (like I have always done) but then regretting reaching out... wishing I hadn't. Simply being in that confused of a state of mind is unsettling to me - GREATLY unsettling. So, while I have many good days, with a seemingly good handle on reality and decisiveness, I still get broadsided by days like today. The catalyst can be very minor, as it was today. Believe me though, it's not that simple a situation. I am incredibly vague, for a reason. It's that uncertainty of wanting to reach out, expose myself for all to judge, but fearing it at the same time. I'm not who I used to be, and I suppose that is normal because we all should change as our life progresses on... but, I think I'm feeling overwhelmed by the severity of change I've recently experienced. I feel like I have a personality disorder. I've desired solitary time more and more lately. Uncertainty, draws me into myself for reflection.

Self-reliance has always been a big deal for me. Since July, I've had VERY little of that and no amount of placating me will or has worked. It's gone on for too long and it's wearing on me severely.

I've been all over the emotional map: pissed, sad, depressed, elated, disgusted, horny, hurt, disappointed, devious, dishonest, confused as hell, relieved, loved, tossed aside, crushed, frustrated... I haven't even scratched the surface here on the many things that are upsetting me... and don't bother to ask, I'm not in the mood to share. Needless to say, it's going to take a while for me to "get right" again. I don't know what's good for me right now. "I just don't know".

Was just thinking it might help to understand that schizophrenia is my status quo.

testing the facebook system

I don't want my blog linked anymore. :-(