Sad

Just sad lately. Things make me cry more easily than normal. It's a general funk, although one thing is at the heart of it all - a little more of a tender spot - It's affecting everything else in a general way. I know there are many things up in the air in my life right now and all of that does nothing to help my unstable emotional situation. It's normal to go through depression slumps in life, I've been through plenty before and I'm sure this isn't my last. If I can try to see the bright side of it, at least I'm *alive*, I'm living life, experiencing it and all it's sensory roller coaster ups and downs. I'd rather have this than the dull, numbness of living a complacent existence in a false reality.

WTF...

What the Fuck is wrong with me.

For starters, this year has in fact been been royally shitty. Dissolution of an 8 year marriage, while ultimately it is the best thing for both of us I believe, it still smacks of heartache, disappointment and failure on many different levels. Stemming from that are some pretty F'ing huge changes. I've always been the kind of person who can't really hide her emotional state. I may not verbalize how I feel but if you're around me, you know. You KNOW. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I hide very little about myself, generally speaking. I realize I'm experiencing an ebb and flow of emotional states. At once I think I know what I want, then I'm not sure. I'm second guessing myself more and more lately, catching myself after doing things, experiencing remorse and then changing things again. Desiring to reach out to people (like I have always done) but then regretting reaching out... wishing I hadn't. Simply being in that confused of a state of mind is unsettling to me - GREATLY unsettling. So, while I have many good days, with a seemingly good handle on reality and decisiveness, I still get broadsided by days like today. The catalyst can be very minor, as it was today. Believe me though, it's not that simple a situation. I am incredibly vague, for a reason. It's that uncertainty of wanting to reach out, expose myself for all to judge, but fearing it at the same time. I'm not who I used to be, and I suppose that is normal because we all should change as our life progresses on... but, I think I'm feeling overwhelmed by the severity of change I've recently experienced. I feel like I have a personality disorder. I've desired solitary time more and more lately. Uncertainty, draws me into myself for reflection.

Self-reliance has always been a big deal for me. Since July, I've had VERY little of that and no amount of placating me will or has worked. It's gone on for too long and it's wearing on me severely.

I've been all over the emotional map: pissed, sad, depressed, elated, disgusted, horny, hurt, disappointed, devious, dishonest, confused as hell, relieved, loved, tossed aside, crushed, frustrated... I haven't even scratched the surface here on the many things that are upsetting me... and don't bother to ask, I'm not in the mood to share. Needless to say, it's going to take a while for me to "get right" again. I don't know what's good for me right now. "I just don't know".

Was just thinking it might help to understand that schizophrenia is my status quo.

testing the facebook system

I don't want my blog linked anymore. :-(

Inconsiderate

in·con·sid·er·ate    (ĭn'kən-sĭd'ər-ĭt)    
adj.  

1. 
   
   Thoughtless of others; displaying a lack of consideration.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   Not well considered or carefully thought out; ill-advised.
   
   
   

A discussion of what exactly "inconsiderate" means, was had fairly recently. Someone I was talking to felt that this word implied "intent" or malice. I didn't see it that way. It's simply a lack of consideration - without any qualifier of "being done on purpose" or not. 

Is it wrong...

 ...if you have to tell someone when they are doing something rude, upsetting or inconsiderate?

I have a bad habit of waiting until I am alone with my forsaken thoughts and the thing that didn't sit well settles in, slaps me across the face and I suddenly realize how "wrong" it was, even though it happened only a few moments ago. I think what I do is hope that the situation will improve as time moves forward and then when it's all said and done and nothing ever did improve, that is when I get officially bent sideways.

While I can understand the culprit being not-so-pleased with the belated unveiling of my displeasure at the situation I still cannot help but feel that it is odd that I have to bring this fact to their attention AT ALL. Because I feel that someone should have a decent enough handle on reality to know when something they are doing is inconsiderate. I end up feeling insignificant and thoughtlessly treated.

I seriously would like to know, what you think.  My bad habit of waiting to reveal my displeasure and the inconsiderate (though, not malicious) behavior - neither are *good* things. It seems like a bit of a mess. How much of it should one endure? At what point do you call the situation a no win, for either person? At what point should one "throw in the towel"?

I ruminate... don't they make a medication for that?

Casualties of Divorce

There were some casualties. My old neighbor (but still good friend) took a few things, so while I cannot have them in my possession she lovingly holds them. As if I'm actually going to ask for anything back now. :-(

She finally hung one of my paintings! :-D  I think it looks very nice in her place. :-D Although, I may be a tad bit biased. Hahaha!

I miss painting. I miss having the time to do it. ~sigh~

Want to talk about Random?

My morning consisted of the following events.

I woke up thinking about how I need to update our Bling Dog Rescue website, and how I've put it off now for 2 days!

I tried to secure some narcotics for a friend this morning. Didn't really work out. I'm wondering why some people would even *think* of me for illegal narcotics. HA! (seriously)

I wanted to get the dogs out and myself out so I decided to walk down to Portfolio for coffee and a breakfast panini. Nice sidewalk table. Three very cute young ladies arrive on their bikes and fawn all over my dogs. :::very big smile::: They have a seat at the table next to mine. :::very big smile::: The line inside was long so I settled down in my chair and made a phone call to my lawyer - as planned. I was correct in my assumption that I basically have no choice in the matter of filing for bankruptcy. Since my darling (soon to be, not soon enough - EX) husband has decided to take the "easy" way out and file for bankruptcy. OK, I'm a little bitter. Because I don't have much of a choice in the matter, and I **guess** I can't blame him for wanting to do this. I just don't like being out of control, HA. I am pretty sure I can keep my truck, that was my biggest concern. While I was enjoying my breakfast panini and coffee (which I was able to get after the phone call - line WAY shorter) a fire engine pulls up and a gaggle of H-O-T ass firemen pile out and saunter into the coffee shop. I got a few stares, gratefully returned. ;-) Oh yes, men in uniform, there's just *something* about 'em. The authority, the domination... makes me quiver and melt. Lucky me, got it a second time when they came back out! I finally had to come back home because my stupid laptop cannot live for more than 5 minutes on it's gimpy battery and there was no outlet outside near the tables. :-(

So, to recap: procrastination, drugs, bankruptcy, bitterness, hot young chicas, hot ass firemen and a lame ass computer. Fairly random.