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http://blinddeafdogs.blogspot.com/

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Thank you~!

Death Valley

Just got back last night from Death Valley. It was pretty dern cold but I still had a good time. So many amazing things to see. I'm not a big desert fan, I like trees and green stuff, but Death Valley has some very cool things to check out. Very educational. The military uses this area for training exercises. It's a geological museum! Was a great way to start the new year... outside in nature. I love it. Plan to do more of it. :-D
I have photos on Facebook

Ebb

Ebb

I know what my heart is like

Since your love died:

It is like a hollow ledge

Holding a little pool

Left there by the tide,

A little tepid pool,

Drying inward from the edge.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Ashes Of Life

Ashes Of Life

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;

Eat I must, and sleep I will,—and would that night were

here!

But ah!—to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!

Would that it were day again!—with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don't know what to do;

This or that or what you will is all the same to me;

But all the things that I begin I leave before I'm through,—

There's little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me,—and the neighbors knock and

borrow,

And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse,—

And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow

There's this little street and this little house.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Sad

Just sad lately. Things make me cry more easily than normal. It's a general funk, although one thing is at the heart of it all - a little more of a tender spot - It's affecting everything else in a general way. I know there are many things up in the air in my life right now and all of that does nothing to help my unstable emotional situation. It's normal to go through depression slumps in life, I've been through plenty before and I'm sure this isn't my last. If I can try to see the bright side of it, at least I'm *alive*, I'm living life, experiencing it and all it's sensory roller coaster ups and downs. I'd rather have this than the dull, numbness of living a complacent existence in a false reality.

WTF...

What the Fuck is wrong with me.

For starters, this year has in fact been been royally shitty. Dissolution of an 8 year marriage, while ultimately it is the best thing for both of us I believe, it still smacks of heartache, disappointment and failure on many different levels. Stemming from that are some pretty F'ing huge changes. I've always been the kind of person who can't really hide her emotional state. I may not verbalize how I feel but if you're around me, you know. You KNOW. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I hide very little about myself, generally speaking. I realize I'm experiencing an ebb and flow of emotional states. At once I think I know what I want, then I'm not sure. I'm second guessing myself more and more lately, catching myself after doing things, experiencing remorse and then changing things again. Desiring to reach out to people (like I have always done) but then regretting reaching out... wishing I hadn't. Simply being in that confused of a state of mind is unsettling to me - GREATLY unsettling. So, while I have many good days, with a seemingly good handle on reality and decisiveness, I still get broadsided by days like today. The catalyst can be very minor, as it was today. Believe me though, it's not that simple a situation. I am incredibly vague, for a reason. It's that uncertainty of wanting to reach out, expose myself for all to judge, but fearing it at the same time. I'm not who I used to be, and I suppose that is normal because we all should change as our life progresses on... but, I think I'm feeling overwhelmed by the severity of change I've recently experienced. I feel like I have a personality disorder. I've desired solitary time more and more lately. Uncertainty, draws me into myself for reflection.

Self-reliance has always been a big deal for me. Since July, I've had VERY little of that and no amount of placating me will or has worked. It's gone on for too long and it's wearing on me severely.

I've been all over the emotional map: pissed, sad, depressed, elated, disgusted, horny, hurt, disappointed, devious, dishonest, confused as hell, relieved, loved, tossed aside, crushed, frustrated... I haven't even scratched the surface here on the many things that are upsetting me... and don't bother to ask, I'm not in the mood to share. Needless to say, it's going to take a while for me to "get right" again. I don't know what's good for me right now. "I just don't know".

Was just thinking it might help to understand that schizophrenia is my status quo.

testing the facebook system

I don't want my blog linked anymore. :-(

Inconsiderate

in·con·sid·er·ate    (ĭn'kən-sĭd'ər-ĭt)    
adj.  

1. 
   
   Thoughtless of others; displaying a lack of consideration.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   Not well considered or carefully thought out; ill-advised.
   
   
   

A discussion of what exactly "inconsiderate" means, was had fairly recently. Someone I was talking to felt that this word implied "intent" or malice. I didn't see it that way. It's simply a lack of consideration - without any qualifier of "being done on purpose" or not. 

Is it wrong...

 ...if you have to tell someone when they are doing something rude, upsetting or inconsiderate?

I have a bad habit of waiting until I am alone with my forsaken thoughts and the thing that didn't sit well settles in, slaps me across the face and I suddenly realize how "wrong" it was, even though it happened only a few moments ago. I think what I do is hope that the situation will improve as time moves forward and then when it's all said and done and nothing ever did improve, that is when I get officially bent sideways.

While I can understand the culprit being not-so-pleased with the belated unveiling of my displeasure at the situation I still cannot help but feel that it is odd that I have to bring this fact to their attention AT ALL. Because I feel that someone should have a decent enough handle on reality to know when something they are doing is inconsiderate. I end up feeling insignificant and thoughtlessly treated.

I seriously would like to know, what you think.  My bad habit of waiting to reveal my displeasure and the inconsiderate (though, not malicious) behavior - neither are *good* things. It seems like a bit of a mess. How much of it should one endure? At what point do you call the situation a no win, for either person? At what point should one "throw in the towel"?

I ruminate... don't they make a medication for that?

Casualties of Divorce

There were some casualties. My old neighbor (but still good friend) took a few things, so while I cannot have them in my possession she lovingly holds them. As if I'm actually going to ask for anything back now. :-(

She finally hung one of my paintings! :-D  I think it looks very nice in her place. :-D Although, I may be a tad bit biased. Hahaha!

I miss painting. I miss having the time to do it. ~sigh~

Want to talk about Random?

My morning consisted of the following events.

I woke up thinking about how I need to update our Bling Dog Rescue website, and how I've put it off now for 2 days!

I tried to secure some narcotics for a friend this morning. Didn't really work out. I'm wondering why some people would even *think* of me for illegal narcotics. HA! (seriously)

I wanted to get the dogs out and myself out so I decided to walk down to Portfolio for coffee and a breakfast panini. Nice sidewalk table. Three very cute young ladies arrive on their bikes and fawn all over my dogs. :::very big smile::: They have a seat at the table next to mine. :::very big smile::: The line inside was long so I settled down in my chair and made a phone call to my lawyer - as planned. I was correct in my assumption that I basically have no choice in the matter of filing for bankruptcy. Since my darling (soon to be, not soon enough - EX) husband has decided to take the "easy" way out and file for bankruptcy. OK, I'm a little bitter. Because I don't have much of a choice in the matter, and I **guess** I can't blame him for wanting to do this. I just don't like being out of control, HA. I am pretty sure I can keep my truck, that was my biggest concern. While I was enjoying my breakfast panini and coffee (which I was able to get after the phone call - line WAY shorter) a fire engine pulls up and a gaggle of H-O-T ass firemen pile out and saunter into the coffee shop. I got a few stares, gratefully returned. ;-) Oh yes, men in uniform, there's just *something* about 'em. The authority, the domination... makes me quiver and melt. Lucky me, got it a second time when they came back out! I finally had to come back home because my stupid laptop cannot live for more than 5 minutes on it's gimpy battery and there was no outlet outside near the tables. :-(

So, to recap: procrastination, drugs, bankruptcy, bitterness, hot young chicas, hot ass firemen and a lame ass computer. Fairly random.

Ever feel so lost?

Overwhelmed. Misdirected. Disoriented. Off-course. Wayward. Confused. Maladjusted. Obsessive. Intolerant. Vehement. Impetuous!

While I found direction in one area of my life I am drowning in a maelstrom of financial woes. Have you ever seemed to just awaken one day to find everything falling apart around you? It's the proverbial snowball gaining speed and size as it hastily bowls you over sucking you up into it's huge uncontrollable mass... somehow it got that bad. For weeks I've been doing nothing but struggling to keep myself from drowning in a sea of pass due notices, late fees, unauthorized charges and debits, changes made to my account that I did not initiate, pretty much just plain 'ol confusion infused with irrepressible frustration with the bank. I was counting of some things happening in my life that would circumvent this exact situation, however, life sometimes has other plans. I had no plan B, C or D. Dumb ass. I'm working on plan G right now. Wish me luck.

Despite all this turmoil, what got me here was a life changing decision that absolutely had to be made! So, I continue to pratice my back stroke...

Clarity

having direction. a fixed purpose. being settled. resolved. certain. understanding. decided. KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT.

I had this realization recently. I thought I was in a state of confusion when in fact I've known the answer all along. I just forgot that I knew what I really wanted. Knowing what you want affords you courage and resolve, it allows you to be purpose driven. Knowing what you want gives you confidence, gives you peace.

After some discussion, some comparisons were made to a similar situation - one I think closely resembles my desires. "Even the most perfect situation, fails at some point". Wise and poignant words. However, those words can be applied very broadly. I realize they do not just apply narrowly to what I desire but they apply to just about ANY situation... more specifically, to any relationship.

I tried the traditional way. It failed me horribly. So why not give the unorthodox a try?

In the meantime, I like where I am. Though, it's been a bit of a learning curve, I'm happy. I'm satisfied. I'm close to being at peace.

Changes

It's usually never easy to walk away from a 10 year relationship. The decision is made over much time and heart felt consideration. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make and it took years for me to accept the bleak truth about my situation. But, once that acceptance sunk in there was no turning back, no ignoring it. No more denial. So, action was taken and one heart in this mess was broken into pieces. I think my heart was slowly torn apart over the years so the final outcome today doesn't hurt me with as much acute pain. But, was it easy to do? Fuck no. Was it painless? Fuck no. But, it was different for me. I feel liberated, yes, but a little scared at the same time. I am getting in touch with a part of me that sort of died years ago, a part that I missed. Therefore, it is bittersweet for me. The road ahead is daunting at the same time it is arousing and although it gives me cause to pause... I will take this path fortuitously. But, just because I do not cry and visibly fall to pieces does not mean I am not hurt!

Samson the wonder dog

It's only the fourth day but, I'm getting a bead on him. He is exceptionally sweet and gentle. He loves people! He's great with the neighbor kids too. He doesn't seem to be weary of strangers, he meets new people with gentle curiosity and a wagging tail. He took to the crate within 5 minutes. I don't trust him with my other dog Onyx because I don't trust Onyx not to start shit. So in the crate he must go, when we are not home. Otherwise, he is a perfect little gentleman. I think if people can see past the black coat and any stereotypes associated with Chow Chows he will have no problem finding a great home. He will make someone a wonderful, peaceful companion for the rest of his days. 

He allowed me to brush his coat, cut out mats around his ears, hand feed him, and take food from him. I'd say he's pretty darn tolerant, especially for being so recently uprooted from his home of 10 years. 

As the days continue on, I will become more and more attached to this little guy, and he to me. Hopefully, I will not jinx the situation by saying he is the best foster I've had so far.  :::knock on wood::: Saying good bye will be the hardest part. 

Samson needs a home!

Samson is a 10 year old Black Chow/Aussie/Samoyed mix. He is intact and current on all vaccinations. He is medium/small in size, 40-50 lbs. He is a very sweet and gentle boy, loves people. I have not cat tested him yet and I’m working on obtaining more information on him from his previous owners. He doesn’t walk that well on leash but he seems to listen and I’m working with him on some basic training.

 

Samson was dumped by his family at our local PetSmart adoption event with a local shelter. This family had Samson since he was a puppy, 10 years in this family. A new boxer puppy started some issues and Samson ended up with the chewed up ears. The final decision of the family was to get rid of the old dog and keep the new puppy.

 

Please find it in your heart to open your home up to sweet Samson. He is very deserving of a loving FOREVER home and he will shower you with love, devotion and sweet kisses.

 

If you are interested in Samson, or know someone who is please call me:

Laura

(951) 500-7844

 

http://picasaweb.google.com/c2cheshire/Samson?feat=directlink

Something I'm allergic to...

If you don't know any of my story you don't follow me on Twitter or Facebook. I will have to make some time to write out a decent account of what happened later. I had an acute allergic reaction to something. I think it was a stain fighter additive for the laundry. I don't know for sure and I won't know until I get my referral to a specialist.

It's been a long week. This started on Friday
at work, landed in the ER on Ssturday night, ended up calling the NP on call Sunday, she phoned in another Rx and got to squeeze in an appointment on Tuesday to see my regular doctor because it just keeps coming back. The ER put me on Prednisone for five days along with a bunch of other crap too, butbi think the pred has the worst of all the side effects. Irritability, sleeplessness, dry mouth, dizziness, blurred vision, lack of concentration. I never knew all this could happen from taking a steriod! It sucks big time!

I'm trying to get to bed at a decent hour tonight but I'm no sure it's going to be possible since the DH is chopping down a forest next to me!

Till next time. I hope to have more details and pictures.


-- Post From My iPhone

Pandora

I just recently signed up for Pandora. It's free and it's pretty damn cool! You type in songs or artists that you like and Pandora selects music based on that first entry. As each song comes up you can vote if you like or dislike each one. If you like, Pandora remembers that if you don't like Pandora stops playing that song and starts a new one. It's actually really neat. Best part is there are no commercials! If you come across a song that you like enough to want to buy Pandora has an option to "buy this song in iTunes", how cool is that? I'm getting ready to get some house cleaning done and I have Pandora playing right now. Right now it's Inxs, Need You Tonight and I first chose Depeche Mode as the artist and from there Pandora plays songs based on what I like and what I don't. 

Highly recommend!

http://www.pandora.com

American Registry of Radiologic Technologists

I am now a licensed member of this group! I'm so happy that I passed my exam with a 94%! I really didn't feel ready but I was able to pull through. I was able to bring my brain with me and use it wisely. Considering the troubles I'd been having lately I was pretty shocked that I did so well. I was seriously shaking after I walked out of the testing room, I almost cried in front of those nice ladies. I'm glad that I didn't get sick either... it felt like one of those moments when you finally finish something very important and you feel this relief but at the same time it's like your body feels like it's finally OK to give in and you get sick. Glad that didn't happen! 

I have one more exam to complete and then I will be done with exams! The Fluoroscopy permit test should be less stressful because there is less information covered. I hope that is the case but either way I'm starting early on the studying. Couldn't hurt one bit. 

Now, for the hard part... finding a job!

Out for the count...

I hope to be doing the same shortly.


-- Post From My iPhone