What the Fuck is wrong with me.
For starters, this year has in fact been been royally shitty. Dissolution of an 8 year marriage, while ultimately it is the best thing for both of us I believe, it still smacks of heartache, disappointment and failure on many different levels. Stemming from that are some pretty F'ing huge changes. I've always been the kind of person who can't really hide her emotional state. I may not verbalize how I feel but if you're around me, you know. You KNOW. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I hide very little about myself, generally speaking. I realize I'm experiencing an ebb and flow of emotional states. At once I think I know what I want, then I'm not sure. I'm second guessing myself more and more lately, catching myself after doing things, experiencing remorse and then changing things again. Desiring to reach out to people (like I have always done) but then regretting reaching out... wishing I hadn't. Simply being in that confused of a state of mind is unsettling to me - GREATLY unsettling. So, while I have many good days, with a seemingly good handle on reality and decisiveness, I still get broadsided by days like today. The catalyst can be very minor, as it was today. Believe me though, it's not that simple a situation. I am incredibly vague, for a reason. It's that uncertainty of wanting to reach out, expose myself for all to judge, but fearing it at the same time. I'm not who I used to be, and I suppose that is normal because we all should change as our life progresses on... but, I think I'm feeling overwhelmed by the severity of change I've recently experienced. I feel like I have a personality disorder. I've desired solitary time more and more lately. Uncertainty, draws me into myself for reflection.
Self-reliance has always been a big deal for me. Since July, I've had VERY little of that and no amount of placating me will or has worked. It's gone on for too long and it's wearing on me severely.
I've been all over the emotional map: pissed, sad, depressed, elated, disgusted, horny, hurt, disappointed, devious, dishonest, confused as hell, relieved, loved, tossed aside, crushed, frustrated... I haven't even scratched the surface here on the many things that are upsetting me... and don't bother to ask, I'm not in the mood to share. Needless to say, it's going to take a while for me to "get right" again. I don't know what's good for me right now. "I just don't know".
Was just thinking it might help to understand that schizophrenia is my status quo.
11 months ago
Well, the first thing is that you should not feel like a failure because of the divorce. I KNOW how hard you tried. You know, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I don't give a shit what anyone says, you are not going to make a person change if that person does not want to change. And that person who does not change important things, like being more responsible, does not deserve to be in a marriage. So yah, you are not the failure because you were trying to do the impossible.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as you realize that (start telling yourself that over and over), the rest of your life will actually fall into place :)
I don't regret the decision to leave him. I still feel, as I said, that it is for the best in the long run. However, that one solitary decision has begat a slew of other issues and problems I've been dealing with. You know about some of them, though I refrain from giving specifics, I know some people KNOW what I'm referring to. On top of that, still, there is more I'm dealing with. I didn't post this so someone could come along and try to fix me. Although, I knew people would be compelled to do so. That's OK... I can always use a different perspective, at least read it and decide if I will take it or toss it. I was simply giving somewhat of an explanation of my frame of mind... which is not in a good place at the moment. I don't think anyone can fix me... this crap is the crap you just have to endure. Time will make it better. Because with time comes more change... I am really hoping for the good kind now.
ReplyDeleteHey Laura, just take it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time. This is a temporary thing. Might help to talk with someone professionally.
ReplyDeleteErika
Been there, done that, with the "Pro's". If you find a good one, it can be great. But, finding that good one is tough. It's good to know yourself well, at least realizing what you are going through helps to know that it's only a temporary thing. Just have to endure. It's also nice to have an outlet to express your ups and downs. People don't have to read this... if they find it annoying or obnoxious, skip it. I'm a person who must hash and re-hash, as one counselor said: I "intellectualize". ;-) Talking about it helps me get through it.
ReplyDelete