Is it wrong...

 ...if you have to tell someone when they are doing something rude, upsetting or inconsiderate?

I have a bad habit of waiting until I am alone with my forsaken thoughts and the thing that didn't sit well settles in, slaps me across the face and I suddenly realize how "wrong" it was, even though it happened only a few moments ago. I think what I do is hope that the situation will improve as time moves forward and then when it's all said and done and nothing ever did improve, that is when I get officially bent sideways.

While I can understand the culprit being not-so-pleased with the belated unveiling of my displeasure at the situation I still cannot help but feel that it is odd that I have to bring this fact to their attention AT ALL. Because I feel that someone should have a decent enough handle on reality to know when something they are doing is inconsiderate. I end up feeling insignificant and thoughtlessly treated.

I seriously would like to know, what you think.  My bad habit of waiting to reveal my displeasure and the inconsiderate (though, not malicious) behavior - neither are *good* things. It seems like a bit of a mess. How much of it should one endure? At what point do you call the situation a no win, for either person? At what point should one "throw in the towel"?

I ruminate... don't they make a medication for that?

Casualties of Divorce

There were some casualties. My old neighbor (but still good friend) took a few things, so while I cannot have them in my possession she lovingly holds them. As if I'm actually going to ask for anything back now. :-(

She finally hung one of my paintings! :-D  I think it looks very nice in her place. :-D Although, I may be a tad bit biased. Hahaha!

I miss painting. I miss having the time to do it. ~sigh~

Want to talk about Random?

My morning consisted of the following events.

I woke up thinking about how I need to update our Bling Dog Rescue website, and how I've put it off now for 2 days!

I tried to secure some narcotics for a friend this morning. Didn't really work out. I'm wondering why some people would even *think* of me for illegal narcotics. HA! (seriously)

I wanted to get the dogs out and myself out so I decided to walk down to Portfolio for coffee and a breakfast panini. Nice sidewalk table. Three very cute young ladies arrive on their bikes and fawn all over my dogs. :::very big smile::: They have a seat at the table next to mine. :::very big smile::: The line inside was long so I settled down in my chair and made a phone call to my lawyer - as planned. I was correct in my assumption that I basically have no choice in the matter of filing for bankruptcy. Since my darling (soon to be, not soon enough - EX) husband has decided to take the "easy" way out and file for bankruptcy. OK, I'm a little bitter. Because I don't have much of a choice in the matter, and I **guess** I can't blame him for wanting to do this. I just don't like being out of control, HA. I am pretty sure I can keep my truck, that was my biggest concern. While I was enjoying my breakfast panini and coffee (which I was able to get after the phone call - line WAY shorter) a fire engine pulls up and a gaggle of H-O-T ass firemen pile out and saunter into the coffee shop. I got a few stares, gratefully returned. ;-) Oh yes, men in uniform, there's just *something* about 'em. The authority, the domination... makes me quiver and melt. Lucky me, got it a second time when they came back out! I finally had to come back home because my stupid laptop cannot live for more than 5 minutes on it's gimpy battery and there was no outlet outside near the tables. :-(

So, to recap: procrastination, drugs, bankruptcy, bitterness, hot young chicas, hot ass firemen and a lame ass computer. Fairly random.

Ever feel so lost?

Overwhelmed. Misdirected. Disoriented. Off-course. Wayward. Confused. Maladjusted. Obsessive. Intolerant. Vehement. Impetuous!

While I found direction in one area of my life I am drowning in a maelstrom of financial woes. Have you ever seemed to just awaken one day to find everything falling apart around you? It's the proverbial snowball gaining speed and size as it hastily bowls you over sucking you up into it's huge uncontrollable mass... somehow it got that bad. For weeks I've been doing nothing but struggling to keep myself from drowning in a sea of pass due notices, late fees, unauthorized charges and debits, changes made to my account that I did not initiate, pretty much just plain 'ol confusion infused with irrepressible frustration with the bank. I was counting of some things happening in my life that would circumvent this exact situation, however, life sometimes has other plans. I had no plan B, C or D. Dumb ass. I'm working on plan G right now. Wish me luck.

Despite all this turmoil, what got me here was a life changing decision that absolutely had to be made! So, I continue to pratice my back stroke...

Clarity

having direction. a fixed purpose. being settled. resolved. certain. understanding. decided. KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT.

I had this realization recently. I thought I was in a state of confusion when in fact I've known the answer all along. I just forgot that I knew what I really wanted. Knowing what you want affords you courage and resolve, it allows you to be purpose driven. Knowing what you want gives you confidence, gives you peace.

After some discussion, some comparisons were made to a similar situation - one I think closely resembles my desires. "Even the most perfect situation, fails at some point". Wise and poignant words. However, those words can be applied very broadly. I realize they do not just apply narrowly to what I desire but they apply to just about ANY situation... more specifically, to any relationship.

I tried the traditional way. It failed me horribly. So why not give the unorthodox a try?

In the meantime, I like where I am. Though, it's been a bit of a learning curve, I'm happy. I'm satisfied. I'm close to being at peace.

Changes

It's usually never easy to walk away from a 10 year relationship. The decision is made over much time and heart felt consideration. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make and it took years for me to accept the bleak truth about my situation. But, once that acceptance sunk in there was no turning back, no ignoring it. No more denial. So, action was taken and one heart in this mess was broken into pieces. I think my heart was slowly torn apart over the years so the final outcome today doesn't hurt me with as much acute pain. But, was it easy to do? Fuck no. Was it painless? Fuck no. But, it was different for me. I feel liberated, yes, but a little scared at the same time. I am getting in touch with a part of me that sort of died years ago, a part that I missed. Therefore, it is bittersweet for me. The road ahead is daunting at the same time it is arousing and although it gives me cause to pause... I will take this path fortuitously. But, just because I do not cry and visibly fall to pieces does not mean I am not hurt!

Samson the wonder dog

It's only the fourth day but, I'm getting a bead on him. He is exceptionally sweet and gentle. He loves people! He's great with the neighbor kids too. He doesn't seem to be weary of strangers, he meets new people with gentle curiosity and a wagging tail. He took to the crate within 5 minutes. I don't trust him with my other dog Onyx because I don't trust Onyx not to start shit. So in the crate he must go, when we are not home. Otherwise, he is a perfect little gentleman. I think if people can see past the black coat and any stereotypes associated with Chow Chows he will have no problem finding a great home. He will make someone a wonderful, peaceful companion for the rest of his days. 

He allowed me to brush his coat, cut out mats around his ears, hand feed him, and take food from him. I'd say he's pretty darn tolerant, especially for being so recently uprooted from his home of 10 years. 

As the days continue on, I will become more and more attached to this little guy, and he to me. Hopefully, I will not jinx the situation by saying he is the best foster I've had so far.  :::knock on wood::: Saying good bye will be the hardest part.